Fun and the Fellas
My son won't read my articles. All 50+ of them? Nope, not one. Even my wife and daughter can't convince him. I get it; when I was 17, the last thing I'd want to read was my dad's musings on leadership.
A few weeks ago, during yet another dinner conversation about leadership (it happens a lot), he looked at us and flat-out said, "I am not a leader."
That comment has been on a loop in my head. When I watch him on the field, with his friends, or even just at home, I see a leader—maybe not the textbook definition, but a leader all the same. But instead of arguing about what a leader is, I've started reframing his comment from a perspective of influence. It's less about the title and more about what shapes him: who and what is present in his life, and how that chemistry works with his personality. That's the real story.
At the core of who he is are two massive forces:
Fun. This is his operating system. It's not just "having a good time"; it's a deep emotional need. He thrives on adventure—what he calls "side quests"—especially when they come with a shot of pressure or tension. When the stakes are up, you get his best self. Without that spark? He's in the background, happy to be anonymous.
The Fellas. This is both a specific and general group of people. He’s fine alone, but offer him an adventure with "the fellas," and he becomes a completely different person. The tighter the crew, the louder his personality.
The big takeaway for me—and for anyone wrestling with how to foster leadership—is this: Stop obsessing over what leadership skills people have or don't have. Start worrying about creating the right environment. Create the conditions where they can freely explore and demonstrate their absolute best selves.
We can all influence a young person's development, regardless of our own perceived leadership ability. My challenge to everyone is simple: Do a better job of positively influencing the next generation so they are ready to step up, whether as the leaders we need everyday or simply as the people who show up when needed.
Here are two essential ingredients:
Adversity
Give young people an appropriate amount of adversity. This teaches the coping skills they'll need for life. It can come from a demanding first job, trying out for a competitive team, joining a club, or taking a harder class. But one of the most underrated tools is asking good questions about the challenging experience.
A good question forces them to articulate a point of view. The key is to resist the urge to point out all the flaws in their answer (a fault I am guilty of way too often) and instead, help them find the words that match their feelings. Making things hard for them will only be appreciated if you've first built a strong rapport. That rapport is the foundation—it turns a challenge into development instead of harm.
Independence
My wife and I have been a positive influence, sure, but I know that his independence from us has been far more critical to his growth. Giving young people space from adult oversight is vital. But independence isn't a free pass; it must come with responsibility and accountability.
Independence isn't just time alone; it's time with peers in unstructured or semi-structured settings. After these situations, you must be curious. Ask questions about the people and the experience. You might not get a profound answer right away, but the act of asking shows you care. Stick with it, and eventually, they will share.
I kept this short, hoping my 17-year-old might actually read it.
If you feel stuck in your workplace leadership role, I challenge you to look for opportunities to influence others, especially the younger generation. The corporate world may not get better anytime soon, so we need to ensure today's young people are better prepared for the work world of tomorrow. We need them to make the work world better. We need them to lead.
To all the teachers, coaches, fellas, and relatives in my son's life: Thank you. I appreciate the adversity, the independence, the care, and the fun you’ve provided him. He may not see himself as a leader, but he is certainly being prepared to be one.
