Keeping Score

What we measure shapes us. It dictates our behaviours, molds our attitudes, and defines our leadership. In today's hyper-connected, AI-driven, data-saturated world, measurement wields unprecedented influence. We chase "likes" more than meaning, quantify what's measurable rather than what's impactful, and drown in data visualization without truly understanding its purpose. "Data-centred decision-making" is a common refrain, but if you're like me, it probably makes you wince. Not because data isn't vital—it absolutely is. But because, for many organizations, data plays a tragically small role in actual decisions. Why? Because we're fundamentally irrational. When outcomes are certain, we're more rational, more receptive to data. But as uncertainty rises, so does irrationality, leading to sub-optimal data use and, ultimately, less successful outcomes.

This applies to us as individuals, too. We're constantly collecting and assessing data about our relationships, our work, our triumphs, our failures, and the world around us. When we're certain about an interaction's outcome, we act rationally, convinced our decisions are rooted in solid data. When uncertainty creeps in, we become irrational, yet still believe our choices are logical and data-driven—but they aren't. Our professional lives are often brimming with uncertainty, meaning our judgements and decisions are more likely born from irrationality than reason. This week, I propose a fresh perspective on making better leadership decisions: by transforming how you "keep score" at work. Changing what you measure in your work relationships will fundamentally alter your behaviour, making interactions more predictable and your leadership decisions more rational—and more human.

How do you truly gauge your experience at work? Not just performance, but how work makes you feel and why? How are your relationships, and what's driving them? These can be tough questions, often because we lack good data or clarity on the underlying reasons. Our internal "scorecard" frames our feelings and relationships. When things are good, we award ourselves (and sometimes, begrudgingly, others) high marks. When challenges hit, we often give ourselves a negative score, but are quick to assign even harsher ones to others. When relationships fray, our first instinct is to penalize the other person before even considering our own contribution. This typical scoring system, especially when applied to the core of leadership (emotions and relationships), cripples our ability to lead effectively. The "data" we gather in this mindset is heavily skewed by irrationality, leading to poor leadership choices. If we're doing well, we assume we're leading brilliantly. If we're struggling, others must be sabotaging us. What if we could redefine this mental scorekeeping?

For the past three months, I've been collaborating with two organizations, helping them transition from good to great in performance and innovation. The heart of this work lies in eradicating behaviours that needlessly complicate work, transforming tension into something productive. People thrive on challenge but become utterly unproductive when that same work becomes unnecessarily difficult. "Productive tension" is about embracing, creating, and implementing new norms that reduce these frustrating behaviours. Developing these norms is relatively simple; the real challenge lies in intervening when they're not followed. Getting teams to agree on new norms is easy. Describing and demonstrating them is harder. But the true breakthrough of productive tension occurs when team members bravely confront others who deviate from the agreed-upon standards. This confrontation is difficult, uncomfortable, and fraught with uncertain reactions and outcomes, often leading to irrational inaction or overreaction. Our traditional scorekeeping model fuels this: "If I follow the norm, I deserve a positive score. If you don't, you get a negative one, and if I call you out, I get a positive score." This conventional approach won't solidify the behaviours needed for more productive and successful work.

My work with these teams has revealed the profound impact of reframing "scoring" in leadership. The new perspective centres on our contributions to others' success. When we sacrifice to help someone else, our instinct is to crave recognition and a positive score from them (and ourselves). But the new scoring approach views these actions not as score-seeking endeavours, but as fundamental requirements for participation—the "table stakes." We engage in these behaviours with no expectation of return. If the other person chooses to score us positively, we accept it with grace and humility. If they choose no score, or even a negative one, we accept that reality just as graciously. Our scoring of them is not based on their reception or response to our help, or how they score us. This mirrors genuine, heartfelt gift-giving. We give a gift out of care, and that act of caring fulfills us. We don't give gifts for gratitude. We hope they're received well, but the recipient is free to accept, reject, or be neutral. Their score of us should have minimal bearing on our next interaction.

We often expect reciprocity when we help others, some small acknowledgment. When it doesn't materialize, or falls short, our negative scoring system goes into overdrive. Every subsequent interaction becomes tainted. Nothing the other person does seems to quickly remedy the perceived slight. Or, we actively seek validation for the perceived wrong. Our expectations of a specific response inevitably steer the relationship down a perilous path. The new scoring model begins with a foundational belief: the people we work with are good, they care, and they desire success. We operate from the belief that we are good, we care, and we desire success. We don't act for positive scores from colleagues. This virtuous belief system, over time, elevates both your performance and that of others. Removing reciprocity from your scoring system transforms your behaviour, your attitude, and strengthens your leadership.

The final, crucial element of this new scoring system is acknowledging others when they offer us a relational or emotional gift. When someone bravely shares how you've made them feel (good or bad), or provides feedback that improves your performance, they've given you a gift. Thank them, accept it, and be grateful for their courage and care. Your reaction to these gifts reveals how you score them. Every gift, regardless of whether you like or value it, should be scored positively. As I guide these two teams on their journey to new workplace behaviours, this component is paramount. We're asking others to confront us when we make their work unnecessarily difficult. This means every such instance is a positive score. Even, and especially, when there's a rational explanation for why we didn't adhere to a norm. These situations might indicate a need to adjust the norm, but the intervention itself should always be welcomed and invited.

If you aspire to be a leader driven by care, compassion, and innovation, change your scorecard. Believe in the abilities and capacities of your colleagues, model the behaviours that make work appropriately challenging, and graciously and humbly give and receive the invaluable gift of feedback.